The Love of Friends
Everything that has been going on the past few months has finally hit me. Today I have been quite depressed and I didn't have any idea why until I actually sat down and thought about it. I came to the conclusion that it's because I have finally realized that I don't have parents and I feel so alone. I actually started to mourn this today.
Then I started on a pitty party. I really don't have a man in my life. Granted I love not having to answer to anyone but myself and my dogs but sometimes it would be wonderful to be able to lean on a guy and know that he truely loves me with all my imperfections. It would be nice to go to sleep at night and roll over and feel another person sleeping beside me. These are the things I feel I am missing out on right now and to a degree it hurts. I feel that there is an empty place in my heart that won't be filled until I find that special guy. This is not to say that I need a man to make me happy because happiness starts from within and no one else can truely make you happy until you find peace within yourself.
So as I said I've been pretty down today. So I called "T" today. I tell you I love her more and more each day. Yes she has her imperfections and she can piss me off at times but her heart is made of pure gold. I told her how I have been feeling today and she tried to make it better. She told me that I will always have her and my god daughter and even her husband. I truely needed to hear this today because I feel so alone right now. Heck she even got me to *snork I was laughing so hard.
I'm tending to feel as if it's me against the world and being as how I am only one person I sometimes feel as if I am fighting a loosing battle. Sometimes it feels as if no matter how much I struggle I can't seem to get my head ubove water. If it weren't for her I don't think I would have a fighting chance. She has been there for me when no one else would. When my mother ran away from home I called her and she was at my doorstep within 10 minutes. She stayed until she was sure I was going to be ok.
She also tells me like it is. I love that about her. If I'm acting like an ass and I need to snap out of it she will say so in a way that makes me feel better not worse. It takes talent and a massive heart to be able to accomplish something like that.
My heart broke when she moved away to Iowa a few years ago. She was gone for a year and I missed her everyday she was gone. I now thank God everyday for bringing her back here.
Psycho Mom Strikes Again
So on Monday I was so inundated with calls from mom that I finally turned the ringer off on my phone. No I didn't answer it because everyday I get a little bit angrier at her for all the things she has done to me over the years. Especially the fact that she always end up smelling like a rose when she is finished.
Then on Tuesday she again called so I turned the ringer off yet again. So she showed up at my doorstep. She gave me a couple of things and then proceeded to whale into me. She brought up the fact that I had told her everything she is doing right now is because she wants controll over me. Then she proceeded to tell me ok you want controll then you are in controll of you life now. She said that she never wanted to talk to me, see me, or even know I existed. Then as she was leaving she said I will talk to you later.
WTF? This woman has no idea what she wants. One minute she is telling me how much she loves me and in the next breath she tells me that she wants nothing to do with me. Then she says she will call me. I just don't get it. See this is the reason that I really feel she needs to see someone and get on drugs for manic depression.
Ever since she first told me that she didn't want to talk to me I haven't called her once and she has called repeatedly. I just don't get where she is coming from. If you don't want to talk to someone then don't talk to them. Don't call, write. or visit them. I truely feel that she wants the little girl I was at age 3 forever. Well I have news for her I have grown up and I am not the type of person to play mind games. I know she is an expert at it but give me a break. Either treat me like an adult or treat me like a child you can't have it both ways.
She wants me to be an adult but she puts every effort to treat me as a child every chance she gets. This is driving me nuts. I am almost looking forward to getting committed. I know if it happens then I won't have to deal with her for at least 3 days. Three blistful days of no mom. What a treat that would be. I know it would be easy to fail the test. All I have to tell them is that I either want to hurt her or myself. Now I truely don't want to do either but that's all it would I would have to say and then I would have a guarenteed 3 day vacation from her. I wouldn't have to worry about anything or anyone. I could just concentrate on myself for a change. But this is the real world and I have responsibilities and I just can't do that.
Well this is getting really long so I'm going to end it now but will probibly add to it either later today or most likely tomorrow. As always I hope everyone else is doing ok and they are happy.
*snork = Laughing so hard that you make kind of a snoring sound eventhough you are wide awake.
