Just a quick thought

This is a response to a thread on a board I go to. The thread topic is about how insane parents can be. As you know from reading my blog my parents haven't always been the best of parents. More often than not they have been the complete opposite.

Anyway I thought I would share it with anyone who reads my blog. So here goes.

Everyday we all deal with the scars that life has delt us. Some of just have more scars than others. TBH the only reason I'm opening up a bit about my past is to show others out there that though it may seem extremely dark there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. The thing is you have to find that light for yourself. No one else is ever going take you by the hand and say "here's that light you've been looking for." Somehow you have to find it in yourself. That's not to say people can't help you along the way.

I found my light through singing and writing. If it weren't for those two things I would have died a long time ago. Well before there ever was a WWDN.

It's kind of like that movie City Slickers. Where the old guy talks about the meaning to life. He then puts up his index finger and says it's 1 thing that makes you go on despite all that is trying to hold you back.

4 Years

It's been 4 years since my dad passed. They say as time goes on the pain is less and less. Well let me tell you it's a big old lie. Everyday I miss him more.

I remember my last day with him. We had such a wonderfull conversation. We talked about how things were getting better in the family.

We had finally started to get into a really good groove and poof he's gone. No warning, nothing.

I've been pretty down lately. Not only is it the annaversary of my dad's death it's also the annaversary of when my birthfather left mom and I.

That's a whole other ball of bad wax there. He was never really a good father to me but it still hurt when he left. I digress so moving on.

I still can't believe it's been 4 years. Some days it feel like it was yesterday and other feel like it's been an eternity. Some days it feels like both. It's kind of hard to explain unless you've lost someone you loved.

So no humor for me today kiddos. I'm not even close to being in a haa haa mood.

Damaged Goods

I used to believe in the faerie tales. Not anymore.

I used to believe that there was a special someone out there for me. Not anymore. I've given up.

I really started to fall for a guy. He's truly amazing. He's kind, intelligent, sensitive, and so much more. I gave him up. There's really only drawback wish him. He lives halfway across the world.

My mother says I seek men like him. She says I fall for guys that are far away for a reason. Truthfully he's the first guy I've fallen for in a very long time.

I wasn't looking. I started to back to an old chatroom just for fun. There was this odd guy who would come in and lick people then leave. I thought "hmm, odd guy."

Then we started to actually talk. The more I got to know him the more I liked him. Then I started to feel. Big mistake on my part.

I couldn't help it. He just snuck up on me from out of nowhere.

A few days ago he told me he was going to a party through the english dept at his school. He said he was only going to stay if a certain girl he had talked to was there.

Well forward a couple of days. He was at the part and she was there. I knew it in my heart. I was going to lose this guy. I felt it.

I talked to him yesterday. It's pretty much one sided. He agreed to leave me alone.

It's one of those days I'm not happy to be here. I shall get through this too. Although I think it's going to take me a really long time.

I should just stick to talking to guys like J. There is no emotional attachment there. It's purely an animal attraction.

I think I'm a truly damaged person.

Falling apart, Coming Together

When you are young you look at the world through unencumbered eyes. Everything is new and wonderful. Life hasn’t damaged you yet.

Then you grow up. Life gets in the way and you start to lose that light you once possessed.

I remember looking at pictures of me before the pain started. I was around 3. Standing by this old dresser I shone so brightly. I was truly happy.

Somewhere along the way I forgot how to be that little girl. The one who was so alive and shone so bright. She had her whole future ahead of her. She had so much promise for a good life. Then life got in the way.

I sat down the other day and realized only 2 people, who I know truly love me, have never deeply hurt me. That’s really sad if you think about it. Especially when neither of your parents are on that small list.

One of them has been gone a long time now. The other is my lifeline and honest soul sister. When I’m screwing up she whacks me on the head and brings me back to my senses. Although she does it in a way that speaks to me. She knows all my pain, my warts, and all. Yet she still loves me. But I digress.

The last few years I have been trying to find that little girl again. It’s been a very hard journey. I’ve had to come to terms with things in my life that I never wanted to deal with.

I know she’s still in there somewhere. She’s just burried deep inside.

So I continue everyday to find something that makes me sparkle. Some days are much harder than others. It’s made me a stronger and weaker person.

I’ve learned to speak my mind. Even if it hurts in the end. I’ve learned how to say no to people. I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to dance in the moonlight. Even if it's all by yourself.

Nonexistent Love by me

I want a love that transcends all time
I want my heart to fill
And not ice over

A kind heart
A warm hand
Kisses that barely touch

Hand in hand
Side by side
Moving together through this life

Saying goodbye, Saying hello

Yes it's been quite a long time since your friendly neighborhood sifichick has posted anything. Life has thrown me curves and loops galore.

Sit back, grab something to eat and drink. This is going to be a long post.

So my blog abruptly stopped 4 years ago. I have a perfectly valid reason as to why. My beloved step-father died. It sent my whole world into a complete tailwind. All animosity between my mother and I went out the door. Things have gotten a lot better between us. We now joke that it's the one and only good thing that happened out of this tragedy.

I can remember the day like it was yesterday. I had been up all night playing video games. You know your old pal sifi has always had issues with sleep. 8am March 21 2004 I got the phone call that would alter my life forever.

All I heard was screaming. I was still watching the kids at that time and I thought it was "A" playing a joke on me. As she so loved to do. Then I heard the word "DEAD."

I thought this is strange. So I asked who's dead? No answer. I asked again 3 more times. Then I heard his name, Brad. My heart stopped and the earth beneath my feet fell away. My stone, my rock was gone. How could this happen? I just him yesterday, I thought. He looked a little sick but never did I think I would be getting this call. But here it was.

The night before we had such a wonderful conversation. Something inside me said "say the things you want to say." I now understood why.

"I'll be right over mom." I said.

"Please hurry. I need you." She sobbed.

I went into my protective robot mode. My mantra was now "get to mom's house."

I called the cab company and sobbed that I needed a ride. "Could you PLEASE get here as fast as you can. My mother just called and my dad is dead." I couldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth.

"I'll do the best I can for you." She said

I started to get dressed. I looked around for the first clean thing I could find. Then I put it on. Notice I didn't say anything about taking off my pajamas? Well that's because in my state I put my clothes on over my pajamas. Yep I was a bit loopy.

As I was pulling my pants over my pajama bottoms I heard a knock at my door. "Couldn't be I thought" as I pulled my pants up.

Sure enough it was. He was an older guy with a kind face. Later I would find out just how kind he was.

"I'm here to pick up (my name)."

I grabbed my keys and ran out the door. I explained out him what was going on and asked him to get me to my Mother as fast as he could. I also explained that I needed to go inside the house and get money because I didn't have any cash on me.

When we got there he took one look at all the emergency vehicles and said "Looks like you have enough to worry about. This one is on me." See really nice guy. :)

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes" is all he said.

I ran up to the house and my mother was waiting in the front of the house. She was still wearing her mightgown. I ran into her arms and just held her.

"I'm so glad you're here. I just thought all I need is my (my name) and I'll be ok."

I took her in the house. I was careful not to look at the hall. He was down there. Well not him that had gone away but his shell, or so I thought.

My mother's house opens up into the dining room and the living room. You know the kind no one goes in. Where the dogs sleep on the sofas when they think no one is around. When looking into the house from the front door to the left is the family room and kitchen.

I veered to the left to go into the family room where people had started to gather. When I rounded the corner I saw it. The shell of the man my heart called dad.

My heart jumped. My throat closed. The world I had managed to get back under my feet faded away.

He looked so peaceful lying there on the couch. He had evidently gotten up in the middle of the night and had gone into the living room to watch tv. There was an inhaler on the counter that had just been opened. Evidently he had used it.

I decided to give myself 1 minute. Only a brief moment in time to freak out. A tear rolled down one of my eyes. I didn't notice til the tear reached the side of my mouth.

I gained composure and went back into robot mode. I started calling everyone I could think of. Friends, family, anyone that I thought should know. I knew mom wouldn't be able to make those calls. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

Every call was the same. Gain composure, call this person, tell them he is gone, cry, repeat. Over and over I did this.

People were starting to come in droves. He was a very well loved person and deservedly so.

Someone took the phone from my hands. "I think that's enough for now. If you want I can help." I don't remember who this was just that I was greatful. I handed them the phone and went to find my mother.

It seemed that food started to come in by the truckload. I couldn't eat. My throat had swollen up and my stomach was nowhere to be found. I looked at all of it and thought wow Brad would love this spread. It hit me again and tears started to roll down my face.

I went into another room and regained my composure. I didn't want mom to see me breaking down. I couldn't she had just stopped crying herself. If she saw me cry she would start again.

I went out in the backyard where she was. She was sitting on a chair, still in her pajamas. Out of her mouth came a phrase no daughter would EVER want to hear coming from her mother. "I am so glad I gave him a blowjob last night." I heard that phrase more times than I care to admit that day.

She was in complete shock and didn't understand what she was saying. At one point she had told the firemen one too many tines and he said "Miss I think it's time for you to put some clothes on."

The rest of the day whirled by. People came in said they were sorry. They brought more food. They left.

Then it came time. The firemen asked that everyone leave the living room and go outside. They explained that it usually isn't a pretty picture when they put people in the body bag. We all waited outside for these brave men to do their job.

A fireman came outside and handed my mother dad's wedding ring. She again started to sob. A soul wrenching kind of almost howling sob. I never want to hear that sound again.

They took away my beloved step-father away. I would never see him again.

That night after everyone had left it was just my mother, my mother's bestfriend and my adopt-a-mommy "D" and I. "D" insisted on staying the night. She knew I would need someone to hold onto and she knew mom would need her as well. She will ALWAYS have a place in my heart for that.

We made my mother take something to get her to sleep. Then "D" sat down and said "come here." I went to her and collapsed in her arms and started to sob quietly. She stroked my hair and said nothing. There were no words to say.

So that's my story folks. In the past 4 years I've have sorrows and happiness. In the end I'm still happy to be alive and hopefully getting through to the other side. It's taken me a long time and the pain never truly goes away but it doesn't quite hurt as much.