Damaged Goods

I used to believe in the faerie tales. Not anymore.

I used to believe that there was a special someone out there for me. Not anymore. I've given up.

I really started to fall for a guy. He's truly amazing. He's kind, intelligent, sensitive, and so much more. I gave him up. There's really only drawback wish him. He lives halfway across the world.

My mother says I seek men like him. She says I fall for guys that are far away for a reason. Truthfully he's the first guy I've fallen for in a very long time.

I wasn't looking. I started to back to an old chatroom just for fun. There was this odd guy who would come in and lick people then leave. I thought "hmm, odd guy."

Then we started to actually talk. The more I got to know him the more I liked him. Then I started to feel. Big mistake on my part.

I couldn't help it. He just snuck up on me from out of nowhere.

A few days ago he told me he was going to a party through the english dept at his school. He said he was only going to stay if a certain girl he had talked to was there.

Well forward a couple of days. He was at the part and she was there. I knew it in my heart. I was going to lose this guy. I felt it.

I talked to him yesterday. It's pretty much one sided. He agreed to leave me alone.

It's one of those days I'm not happy to be here. I shall get through this too. Although I think it's going to take me a really long time.

I should just stick to talking to guys like J. There is no emotional attachment there. It's purely an animal attraction.

I think I'm a truly damaged person.

Falling apart, Coming Together

When you are young you look at the world through unencumbered eyes. Everything is new and wonderful. Life hasn’t damaged you yet.

Then you grow up. Life gets in the way and you start to lose that light you once possessed.

I remember looking at pictures of me before the pain started. I was around 3. Standing by this old dresser I shone so brightly. I was truly happy.

Somewhere along the way I forgot how to be that little girl. The one who was so alive and shone so bright. She had her whole future ahead of her. She had so much promise for a good life. Then life got in the way.

I sat down the other day and realized only 2 people, who I know truly love me, have never deeply hurt me. That’s really sad if you think about it. Especially when neither of your parents are on that small list.

One of them has been gone a long time now. The other is my lifeline and honest soul sister. When I’m screwing up she whacks me on the head and brings me back to my senses. Although she does it in a way that speaks to me. She knows all my pain, my warts, and all. Yet she still loves me. But I digress.

The last few years I have been trying to find that little girl again. It’s been a very hard journey. I’ve had to come to terms with things in my life that I never wanted to deal with.

I know she’s still in there somewhere. She’s just burried deep inside.

So I continue everyday to find something that makes me sparkle. Some days are much harder than others. It’s made me a stronger and weaker person.

I’ve learned to speak my mind. Even if it hurts in the end. I’ve learned how to say no to people. I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to dance in the moonlight. Even if it's all by yourself.