What is love and why do we all feel the need to fall in love? It seems that everyone around me is in some state of falling in love. Except me.

Somewhere along the line I just gave up. I don't know when it was or how it really happened. I sort of became detached from life. Was it my birthfather and how he always threw me away? Was it my mother and how I was never really good enough? Or is it that I just don't need anyone?

My mother has started to date again. It's really odd for me. The only real father I ever knew passed away 5 years ago. They really loved eachother. Yes they had their problems like anyone else but I know he loved her and she loved him. Then I got the talk that shocked the heck out of me.

One day she and I were going to pick up a new couch. It had been about 6 months since he had passed. As we were waiting for them to put the couch in the her truck she sat me down and said the words I never expected to hear. "I'm having an affair with a married man." My initial reachtion was WTF??? He hadn't been gone that long. I honestly didn't know what to say to her.

Are we all hardwired to need another human being in our life? If so why wasn't I? Yes I do want someone but I don't do anything about it. The closest thing to a relationship I've had in years was someone who lived in another country. I honstly did like him but I also knew nothing could ever come of it. It was a safe relationship. Something I didn't have to worry about. I knew he could never truly hurt me. He was far away.

Recnntly I started to play a game online. I met a guy. Turns out he lives in England. We would play for hours each day. I started to like him. Funny thing is I didn't even know his real name. But it was my same M.O. A man from a distant land. Someone who I could fantasize about but wasn't real. Well he is real. Just completely unavailable. You know that distance and all.

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm just completely fucked up. I know that I'll never find the man I want. He just doesn't exist. So why be bothered with some guy who will never measure upto what I crave.