What is love and why do we all feel the need to fall in love? It seems that everyone around me is in some state of falling in love. Except me.

Somewhere along the line I just gave up. I don't know when it was or how it really happened. I sort of became detached from life. Was it my birthfather and how he always threw me away? Was it my mother and how I was never really good enough? Or is it that I just don't need anyone?

My mother has started to date again. It's really odd for me. The only real father I ever knew passed away 5 years ago. They really loved eachother. Yes they had their problems like anyone else but I know he loved her and she loved him. Then I got the talk that shocked the heck out of me.

One day she and I were going to pick up a new couch. It had been about 6 months since he had passed. As we were waiting for them to put the couch in the her truck she sat me down and said the words I never expected to hear. "I'm having an affair with a married man." My initial reachtion was WTF??? He hadn't been gone that long. I honestly didn't know what to say to her.

Are we all hardwired to need another human being in our life? If so why wasn't I? Yes I do want someone but I don't do anything about it. The closest thing to a relationship I've had in years was someone who lived in another country. I honstly did like him but I also knew nothing could ever come of it. It was a safe relationship. Something I didn't have to worry about. I knew he could never truly hurt me. He was far away.

Recnntly I started to play a game online. I met a guy. Turns out he lives in England. We would play for hours each day. I started to like him. Funny thing is I didn't even know his real name. But it was my same M.O. A man from a distant land. Someone who I could fantasize about but wasn't real. Well he is real. Just completely unavailable. You know that distance and all.

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm just completely fucked up. I know that I'll never find the man I want. He just doesn't exist. So why be bothered with some guy who will never measure upto what I crave.

Just a quick thought

This is a response to a thread on a board I go to. The thread topic is about how insane parents can be. As you know from reading my blog my parents haven't always been the best of parents. More often than not they have been the complete opposite.

Anyway I thought I would share it with anyone who reads my blog. So here goes.

Everyday we all deal with the scars that life has delt us. Some of just have more scars than others. TBH the only reason I'm opening up a bit about my past is to show others out there that though it may seem extremely dark there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. The thing is you have to find that light for yourself. No one else is ever going take you by the hand and say "here's that light you've been looking for." Somehow you have to find it in yourself. That's not to say people can't help you along the way.

I found my light through singing and writing. If it weren't for those two things I would have died a long time ago. Well before there ever was a WWDN.

It's kind of like that movie City Slickers. Where the old guy talks about the meaning to life. He then puts up his index finger and says it's 1 thing that makes you go on despite all that is trying to hold you back.

4 Years

It's been 4 years since my dad passed. They say as time goes on the pain is less and less. Well let me tell you it's a big old lie. Everyday I miss him more.

I remember my last day with him. We had such a wonderfull conversation. We talked about how things were getting better in the family.

We had finally started to get into a really good groove and poof he's gone. No warning, nothing.

I've been pretty down lately. Not only is it the annaversary of my dad's death it's also the annaversary of when my birthfather left mom and I.

That's a whole other ball of bad wax there. He was never really a good father to me but it still hurt when he left. I digress so moving on.

I still can't believe it's been 4 years. Some days it feel like it was yesterday and other feel like it's been an eternity. Some days it feels like both. It's kind of hard to explain unless you've lost someone you loved.

So no humor for me today kiddos. I'm not even close to being in a haa haa mood.

Damaged Goods

I used to believe in the faerie tales. Not anymore.

I used to believe that there was a special someone out there for me. Not anymore. I've given up.

I really started to fall for a guy. He's truly amazing. He's kind, intelligent, sensitive, and so much more. I gave him up. There's really only drawback wish him. He lives halfway across the world.

My mother says I seek men like him. She says I fall for guys that are far away for a reason. Truthfully he's the first guy I've fallen for in a very long time.

I wasn't looking. I started to back to an old chatroom just for fun. There was this odd guy who would come in and lick people then leave. I thought "hmm, odd guy."

Then we started to actually talk. The more I got to know him the more I liked him. Then I started to feel. Big mistake on my part.

I couldn't help it. He just snuck up on me from out of nowhere.

A few days ago he told me he was going to a party through the english dept at his school. He said he was only going to stay if a certain girl he had talked to was there.

Well forward a couple of days. He was at the part and she was there. I knew it in my heart. I was going to lose this guy. I felt it.

I talked to him yesterday. It's pretty much one sided. He agreed to leave me alone.

It's one of those days I'm not happy to be here. I shall get through this too. Although I think it's going to take me a really long time.

I should just stick to talking to guys like J. There is no emotional attachment there. It's purely an animal attraction.

I think I'm a truly damaged person.

Falling apart, Coming Together

When you are young you look at the world through unencumbered eyes. Everything is new and wonderful. Life hasn’t damaged you yet.

Then you grow up. Life gets in the way and you start to lose that light you once possessed.

I remember looking at pictures of me before the pain started. I was around 3. Standing by this old dresser I shone so brightly. I was truly happy.

Somewhere along the way I forgot how to be that little girl. The one who was so alive and shone so bright. She had her whole future ahead of her. She had so much promise for a good life. Then life got in the way.

I sat down the other day and realized only 2 people, who I know truly love me, have never deeply hurt me. That’s really sad if you think about it. Especially when neither of your parents are on that small list.

One of them has been gone a long time now. The other is my lifeline and honest soul sister. When I’m screwing up she whacks me on the head and brings me back to my senses. Although she does it in a way that speaks to me. She knows all my pain, my warts, and all. Yet she still loves me. But I digress.

The last few years I have been trying to find that little girl again. It’s been a very hard journey. I’ve had to come to terms with things in my life that I never wanted to deal with.

I know she’s still in there somewhere. She’s just burried deep inside.

So I continue everyday to find something that makes me sparkle. Some days are much harder than others. It’s made me a stronger and weaker person.

I’ve learned to speak my mind. Even if it hurts in the end. I’ve learned how to say no to people. I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to dance in the moonlight. Even if it's all by yourself.

Nonexistent Love by me

I want a love that transcends all time
I want my heart to fill
And not ice over

A kind heart
A warm hand
Kisses that barely touch

Hand in hand
Side by side
Moving together through this life

Saying goodbye, Saying hello

Yes it's been quite a long time since your friendly neighborhood sifichick has posted anything. Life has thrown me curves and loops galore.

Sit back, grab something to eat and drink. This is going to be a long post.

So my blog abruptly stopped 4 years ago. I have a perfectly valid reason as to why. My beloved step-father died. It sent my whole world into a complete tailwind. All animosity between my mother and I went out the door. Things have gotten a lot better between us. We now joke that it's the one and only good thing that happened out of this tragedy.

I can remember the day like it was yesterday. I had been up all night playing video games. You know your old pal sifi has always had issues with sleep. 8am March 21 2004 I got the phone call that would alter my life forever.

All I heard was screaming. I was still watching the kids at that time and I thought it was "A" playing a joke on me. As she so loved to do. Then I heard the word "DEAD."

I thought this is strange. So I asked who's dead? No answer. I asked again 3 more times. Then I heard his name, Brad. My heart stopped and the earth beneath my feet fell away. My stone, my rock was gone. How could this happen? I just him yesterday, I thought. He looked a little sick but never did I think I would be getting this call. But here it was.

The night before we had such a wonderful conversation. Something inside me said "say the things you want to say." I now understood why.

"I'll be right over mom." I said.

"Please hurry. I need you." She sobbed.

I went into my protective robot mode. My mantra was now "get to mom's house."

I called the cab company and sobbed that I needed a ride. "Could you PLEASE get here as fast as you can. My mother just called and my dad is dead." I couldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth.

"I'll do the best I can for you." She said

I started to get dressed. I looked around for the first clean thing I could find. Then I put it on. Notice I didn't say anything about taking off my pajamas? Well that's because in my state I put my clothes on over my pajamas. Yep I was a bit loopy.

As I was pulling my pants over my pajama bottoms I heard a knock at my door. "Couldn't be I thought" as I pulled my pants up.

Sure enough it was. He was an older guy with a kind face. Later I would find out just how kind he was.

"I'm here to pick up (my name)."

I grabbed my keys and ran out the door. I explained out him what was going on and asked him to get me to my Mother as fast as he could. I also explained that I needed to go inside the house and get money because I didn't have any cash on me.

When we got there he took one look at all the emergency vehicles and said "Looks like you have enough to worry about. This one is on me." See really nice guy. :)

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes" is all he said.

I ran up to the house and my mother was waiting in the front of the house. She was still wearing her mightgown. I ran into her arms and just held her.

"I'm so glad you're here. I just thought all I need is my (my name) and I'll be ok."

I took her in the house. I was careful not to look at the hall. He was down there. Well not him that had gone away but his shell, or so I thought.

My mother's house opens up into the dining room and the living room. You know the kind no one goes in. Where the dogs sleep on the sofas when they think no one is around. When looking into the house from the front door to the left is the family room and kitchen.

I veered to the left to go into the family room where people had started to gather. When I rounded the corner I saw it. The shell of the man my heart called dad.

My heart jumped. My throat closed. The world I had managed to get back under my feet faded away.

He looked so peaceful lying there on the couch. He had evidently gotten up in the middle of the night and had gone into the living room to watch tv. There was an inhaler on the counter that had just been opened. Evidently he had used it.

I decided to give myself 1 minute. Only a brief moment in time to freak out. A tear rolled down one of my eyes. I didn't notice til the tear reached the side of my mouth.

I gained composure and went back into robot mode. I started calling everyone I could think of. Friends, family, anyone that I thought should know. I knew mom wouldn't be able to make those calls. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

Every call was the same. Gain composure, call this person, tell them he is gone, cry, repeat. Over and over I did this.

People were starting to come in droves. He was a very well loved person and deservedly so.

Someone took the phone from my hands. "I think that's enough for now. If you want I can help." I don't remember who this was just that I was greatful. I handed them the phone and went to find my mother.

It seemed that food started to come in by the truckload. I couldn't eat. My throat had swollen up and my stomach was nowhere to be found. I looked at all of it and thought wow Brad would love this spread. It hit me again and tears started to roll down my face.

I went into another room and regained my composure. I didn't want mom to see me breaking down. I couldn't she had just stopped crying herself. If she saw me cry she would start again.

I went out in the backyard where she was. She was sitting on a chair, still in her pajamas. Out of her mouth came a phrase no daughter would EVER want to hear coming from her mother. "I am so glad I gave him a blowjob last night." I heard that phrase more times than I care to admit that day.

She was in complete shock and didn't understand what she was saying. At one point she had told the firemen one too many tines and he said "Miss I think it's time for you to put some clothes on."

The rest of the day whirled by. People came in said they were sorry. They brought more food. They left.

Then it came time. The firemen asked that everyone leave the living room and go outside. They explained that it usually isn't a pretty picture when they put people in the body bag. We all waited outside for these brave men to do their job.

A fireman came outside and handed my mother dad's wedding ring. She again started to sob. A soul wrenching kind of almost howling sob. I never want to hear that sound again.

They took away my beloved step-father away. I would never see him again.

That night after everyone had left it was just my mother, my mother's bestfriend and my adopt-a-mommy "D" and I. "D" insisted on staying the night. She knew I would need someone to hold onto and she knew mom would need her as well. She will ALWAYS have a place in my heart for that.

We made my mother take something to get her to sleep. Then "D" sat down and said "come here." I went to her and collapsed in her arms and started to sob quietly. She stroked my hair and said nothing. There were no words to say.

So that's my story folks. In the past 4 years I've have sorrows and happiness. In the end I'm still happy to be alive and hopefully getting through to the other side. It's taken me a long time and the pain never truly goes away but it doesn't quite hurt as much.

A Road Less Traveled

I am so proud of myself. Today I took the moral high ground. I thanked my boss for setting aside the differences that his sister and I are having. I told him I didn't want to put him in the middle of our arguement. It seems to have worked. When he got home today he was his old self. The guy that I started to work for all those months ago. :D

Normaly I would never have taken this road. I would have lashed out and bad mouthed her. Believe me it wasn't easy to not say your sister is an uber self centered, egomaniacle, bitch. He already knows this because he's said so himself. Well not exactly in those words but it was pretty close.

So today I became an adult and handled things in a mature manner. I'm actually proud of myself for i t.

On another note I finally finished the bulk of coding for my website. My relationship with the boy is going good. Mom and I are getting along and she is finally seeing me for the woman I am not the little girl I once was. I tell you life, despite what happened with diana, is going grand. :)

Jinkies

Life sure is strange. One minute you're minding your own business and then BAM! it changes.

This time last year I was pretty pathetic. I will admit that. I was resigned to live my life completely alone. I didn't feel the need to have any other human being in my life. Now there are a few people I would have a very hard time living without.

I'll talk about one of them with you. He's totally amazing, unlike any man I've ever met. He's kind, intelligent, generous, humorous, ect...

The weekend of Marh 28th I got to spend some time with him. It was wonderful and magical. I won't go too much into detail. I do need to keep somethings to myself. ;)

We sat outside of Ceasar's Pallace in Las Vegas and just cuddled. It was so amazing that we could just "be" together and not be doing anything. We just talked and cuddled. It was truely amazing.

Update

Ok so last you heard I was really upset. Well my boss did make it but he was 2 1/2 hours late. Basically he overslept. Oh and that phone being off the hook was actually the phone going bad.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do as of now. I'm going to wait til after my vacation to Vegas.

What do you do when you are scared?
Do you run and hide or face it head on?
When you fuck up big time how do you deal with the consequences?

Oh Boy

I'm getting freaked out now. I feel like everytime I talk to him I'm making myself more of a moron. I know he is going to see one of my many flaws and flee screaming. Bah Why can't I just sit back and enjoy this?

A Little Confession Pays Off

So I took a chance. I confessed my sins and it paid off big time.

I have those wonderful crushy feelings for a very special guy. Tonight I screwed up the courage and told him. He told me he has felt the same way since the first time he met me. :D

I'm on cloud 9

I Confess

I confess that I am very passionate.
I confess that I love sex.
I confess that I love being touched.
I confess that I love being kissed all over my body.
I confess that I love looking at the human form. Both male and female.
I confess that I love kissing. Anything from a soft kiss to one that sends shivers up and down my body.
I confess that I want sex at least twice a day.
I confess that I want to tie a man up and have my way with him.
I confess that I want a man to tie me up and have his way with me.
I confess that I am not a slut but I wish I were.
I confess that sometimes I love too hard.
I confess that sometimes I don't love hard enough.
I confess that it is hard for me to tell men how I care for them.
I confess that my walls of protection get in the way.

Baring my soul and just a little bit more

My parents had a clock that struck on the hour every hour. That's my clearest memory of waiting for him.

I had the house to myself all weekend and had been planning this for a while. He would take the buss up from Tucson and then a cab to my house. As the hours ticked by I got more and more nervous. I looked around the house for alcohol, any alcohol. I was so nervous. I didn't give a shit if my parents found out. I was 19 after all and almost legal to buy the stuff.

It wasn't the first time we had sex but it was the first time we would actually have time together. We wouldn't have to rush. I could fall asleep in his arms. I just knew this was going to be a magical weekend.

I found a bottle of wine. It was the kind with the white roses on it. I walked into the dining room and grabbed 2 glasses off of the shelf and brought them into the kitchen. Then I opened the bottle and poured myself a glass of wine to calm myself down.

My heart started pumping faster as I watched the time slip by and knew he was that much closer to being in my arms.

Then it happened the doorbell rang.. I walked over to the door and opened it. There he was as beautiful as I remembered him. He had the biggest smile on his face.

It seemed to take forever to get the door fully open. As soon as I did he took me into his arms and we stood there for an eternity just holding eachother.

I led him into the house and took him to my bedroom so he could drop his bags off. He had seen my room before but there was a little gleam in his eyes this time.

After he dropped his bags off we went into the kitchen. I had made a really nice dinner for the both of us. We sat down and began to slowly consume each and every bite, enjoying the luxury of time we had.

I poured him a glass of wine. I definitely wanted to get some. Heck that was the whole reason for him coming up to phoenix. After he drank it I refilled his glass. He gave me a little smile. I'm sure looking back that he knew what I was trying to do. In my innocence I actually thought I was fooling him.

After we finished our dinner we retired to the couch to watch some movies. There was a free movie weekend but I couldn't tell you what channel it was on. I wasn't really paying attention. I was still very nervous.

He sensed this and just sat and held me for the longest time. I would feel his hand running along my back. He knew just what to do to make me feel safe, loved, relaxed.

I put my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms tightly around his body. I didn't want to ever let go.

Lightly his finger trailed up from my throat and lifted my chin to his awaiting lips. It was a deeply passionate and intense kiss. I had never felt a kiss like that before or since that night.

We sat on that couch kissing for what seemed like hours. Our bodies entangled together. Finally we came up for some breath.

I decided this would be a good time to eat something. I headed off to the kitchen to make us something to eat. I don't remember what it was because I was floating on cloud 9.

After dinner we decided to grab a blanket and lay down in front of the tv to watch a movie that had come on.

I layed down on the blanket and he layed down behind me. He draped his arm over my waste and started to trail his fingers up and down my stomache. Then his fingers made their way to my nipples, which he very lightly stroked sending shivers up and down my body.

I rolled over my back laying flat on the blanket. He leaned in and kissed me his finger never leaving my now hard nipples.

Slowly he moved so his body was on top of mine. I relaxed and spread my legs as he slipped his body between them. I then lifted my legs and encircled them arround his back and let him grind into me.

Time started to seem non existant as he kissed my lips and ground his body into mine. Suddenly I felt something strange sturring inside me. I had no idea what it was. I became a bit frightened as feelings I had never felt before washed over my body. I started to breath faster. My heart felt like it was going to jump straight out of my chest. My back began to arch. Then it happened. A moan escaped from my lips and a lightning bolt of pleasure overtook my body.

Completely exhausted I fell back on the blanket. Sean rolled back over behind me and wrapped his arms arround me and cuddled me. I must have fell asleep for a bit but he never left my side.

I will never forget that one perfect moment in time where we knew time layed down and stood still just for us.

Good Times Ahead

Well in alot of aspects thinks are still shitty. I might talk about it sometime but now I want to talk about some good that's come into my life.

On Friday I'm going to Disneyland. With none other than TV's Wil Wheaton and 8 other people from his soapbox. I'm really excited about it. Not because I get to spend the day with Wil. I've met him before and he is a very nice guy but I want to meet the people I have spent countless hours chatting on IRC and the soapbox.

I get to stay with a friend that I met through the soapbox. She is a total sweatheart and has the cutest baby boy. Sad thing is I'm not going to have a lot of time to spend with her. I get to California arround midnight. I have to wake up at 6:30am so I can get ready for Disneyland. Then I will be spending pretty much the entire day at the park. The next day I leave arround 1pm. If I didn't have to watch my friend's kids I would so totally stay for at least a couple more days.

So never fear. Sifi always bounces back even if she has to drag her ass off of the farkin couch and live a little. I tell you with all the traveling I have done the past 6 months it sure does make up for the few years that I couldn't go anywhere. :)

Ok so I know i haven't written in a very long time and no one will probibly read this.

I haven't written because like always life has it's ups and downs. I don't want to depress anyone with my downs so I didn't post. When I'm in a good mood I usually don't have time to post. So I'm between a rock and a hard place.

So why am I writing now. Life has thrown me another curve. I feel so alone in a world full of people. I don't understand how this can happen but it did.

I feel as if no one gives a shit about me. I'm only here for people to use and drop me when they don't need me anymore. I'm sick to death of being a doormat for everyone to walk on. I'm sick of people not talking to me unless they want something. I'm sick of people saying that's ok Sifi will do it, not even asking me first.

I'm tired of trying to do something and everyone basically ignoring me.

I'm just plain tired. I wish someone would wisk me away from all of this or that god would swoop down and take me home. I don't want to kill myself if that's what you are thinking. I just think that it would make things worse not better.

Our First Meeting

I decided that I would get a little exercise. So I set out on foot at about 5pm for the mile trek to the lodge.

The lodge was a very large log cabin. It was surrounded by large pine trees. Wrapped arround the lodge was an old wooden porch, dotted with rocking chairs and small tables.

I climbed the stairs, opened the front door and peered inside. There was a large 2 sided stone fire place. Surrounding the fireplace were large comfy couches. There were lots of people hanging arround the fireplace.

I walked further into the lodge and found the dining room. Beautiful pictures of what I suspected were the surrounding woods lined the walls of the dining room. The chairs and tables were made out of a cherry wood. Vases of daisies were placed enatly in the middle of each table.

I went over to a table and started to look at the menu. Everything looked so good. Eventually I decided on the potroast with mashed potatos, peas, and an apple cobbler for desert.

After dinner I decided it was time to make the trek back to my cabin. As I walked outside I noticed that snow had started to fall. I lifted up my head and closed my eyes letting the snow wash over me. It was as if this snow was cleansing me of all the stress I had endoured this past year. I opened my eyes and started to walk towards my cabin.

After a bit I finally made it back to the cabin. I decided to stay outside and dance in the snow. I started to twirl arround like a child without abandon. Before I knew it I was humming some song I remembered from childhood.

All of a sudden I heard a branch break. I opened my eyes and spun arround to find a man standing not to far off.

He stood about 6 feet even. He had brown wavy hair that was short in the back with long bangs. His face had chizeled features.

I stood frozen not knowing what to expect from this stranger. He started to walk towards me.

"Excuse me miss. I was walking towards my cabin and noticed you dancing. I hope you don't mind that I decided to stop and watch you."

"Oh that's ok." I said red faced.

"Hi my name is Ethan. I rented a cabin not too far from here."

About this time I noticed his eyes. They were a brilliant blue. Immediately I became immediately mesmerized by them.

"Umm, Uh my name is Lilly." I said as I snapped out of it.

"Well it was nice to meet you Lilly. I have to get going now but I would really like to have dinner with you sometime."

"That sounds really nice."

"Would you have a pen and paper so I can give you my phone number?" He asked me.

"Yes just let me run inside for a moment."

I calmly walked inside the cabin. Once in there I ran arround like a maniac looking for a pen and a piece of paper. Once I had found them I regained my composure and walked back outside.

I handed him the paper and pen. He wrote down his number and handed the piece of paper and pen back to me.

"Call me anytime." He said as he walked away.

I thought to myself "Hmmmm maybe this isn't going to be as borring a winter as I had set up for myself."

Beginings

A story by Sifichick

I was all set for a very borring winter. I had decided that since the past year was so hectic that I just wanted to lounge arround and do pretty much nothing.

I had rented a cabin in Big Bear. I figured I could go skiing, drink cocoa, play in the snow ect...

Everything had been prearranged. I would have all the comforts of hom waiting for me when I arrived at my cabin. You know the necessities. A computer with high speed internet, an entertainment system with huge tv, soround sound system, dvd player ect...

I had been very specific about what kind of bathroom I wanted. I love old victorian so I wanted it to look pretty much like that except with one major ecption. I wanted a huge whirl pool tub. The kind you can sink into and let your cares fade away.

I left on Friday morning with all the anticipation of a child on christmas morning.

The plane ride was pretty uneventfull. No major turbulance. I thought to myself, "wow this is setting up to be a nice relaxfull winter."

As I stepped off the plane there was someone waiting for me with a sign that had my name written on it. I walked over to him and said "hi I'm Lily."

He escorted me to the car and we drove in silence. I sat back and admired the view. Since it was still pretty early in the season the snow hadn't started to fall. This got me excited as I hadn't seen snow fall in a long time. I decided right then and there that I was going to go dancing out in the snow when it did.

Finally we arrived at my cabin. It was everything I had asked for and then some.

The cabin was a beautiful. It had 2 stories. There was a porch with a rocking chair.

I entered it and saw the most charming decorations I had ever seen. Although it was quite large it had a very cozy atmosphere. There was a large couch with tons of pillows right in the middle of the living room. I started to think of the nights I would lay down on that couch reading a good book or watching tv.

Off to the right there was a fully stocked gormet kitchen.

To the left was the computer room. I knew I would be spending lots of time in there. lol

I started to run upstairs so I could see what my bedroom and bathroom would look like.

The bed was a 4 poster canopy bed with lots of pillows. It looked so comfortable that I wanted to snuggle right into it. But first things first.

I flew into the bathroom. There it was my very own whirlpool bath tub. I was in extacy.

I walked down stars and gave the nice gentleman a tip for driving me to my new hide away.

I decided that I would go to the lodge that night for my first meal. I was in the mood to relax and I didn't feel like cooking anything.

Father - A Poem

Fear of becoming close to anyone
Anger for a childhood I will never have
Resentment that you did not care
Depression that seeps into my very soul
These are the life tools you have left me

A boy is what you wanted
A girl is what you recieved
I am blameless for this
However you teat me as if I had a choice

When you look upon me
I see hatred in your eyes
It cuts to my very soul
As if someone has ripped me in two

When we talked
We never said what mattered
Too many things were left undone
Too many things were left unsaid

You loved me when I shown bright
Yet you took every chance to steal my light
Did you ever hear me cry
Did you even care

Why did you run from me
All I wanted was your love
Did you ever look back and cry
You were the one who decided to leave

Time has gone away from us
The years we have lost
We will never get back
For I fear you are gone forever

Mother - A Poem

Mother why do you revel when I cry
Would you rather I lay down and die
You tell me you love me
With the next breath you tell me you hate me

You blame me for all your problems
I did not ask you to birth me
You blame my father for all my sorrows
Yet you take every chance to hurt me

You say you do it because you love me
I say you do it becasue you are sick
You scoff at this
Then you tell me I'm crazy

I try to show you who I am
You verbaly smack me for it
You shout horrible things at me
I lay and cry in my bed

I am the unseen
Walking past you
The wind that caresses your face
The branch that clings to you
I cry out
No one hears me

My mouth may smile
But the light inside my soul fades
Look in my eyes
The evidence is there

Masks hide me from the world
My heart sighs a dull ache
Emptyness surrounds me
Even when the room is full of people

I walk through the darkness
Though the light shines bright
I scream
No one hears me

I say hello
You look right through me
I cross the street
You try to hit me

I blow smoke in your face
It never phases you
I hold out my hand
You smack it away

I feel caged
You feel free
I am beautiful inside
You only see my outside

I cry
You laugh
I smile
You grimace

I sit home and cry
You never see a tear
I am human with feelings
You don't care

I just want to disapear.

Rosie O'Donnel was talking last year about a man in a convience store that happened to be arab. She looked at him and smiled. This was about a month after what happened. She said he almsot started to cry. He hadn't been smiled at in almost a month. It sickened me to hear this.

We go arround in our protective bubbles judging people without getting to know them. We miss out on the the beauty that surrounds us because we have too much hatred in our hearts.

Yes I agree that we need to be cautious but at what cost? Why should we view every arab as a potential terrorist when some of the most wonderful, kind people I have ever known have been arab? If you prick them they bleed the same way we do.

What happened was horrible. No one disagrees with that. We have to come to a realization that we are no longer safe in our own backyards and that sucks but why do we have to treat strangers any different?

Making lemons into lemonaid

Last night I went to Jack in the Box (A burger joint like Mc Donalds) and went upto the door and it had a sign that said they were under renovations. Well they were still serving through the drive through. So I went upto the drive through window. The stupid bitch wouldn't even open the window. I had to scream through it. He was extremely rude and I wanted to break through that fucking window and strangle her right then and there. I explained that I was legally blind and that I didn't have a car. Well she rolled her fucking eyes at me. I told her it was against the law (which it is) to refuse me service just because I have an eye disease which prevents me from driving a car. She told me she didn't care she wasn't going to serve me. I told her that I could sue the restaurant for discrinimation and she said "I'd like to see you fucking try it." Yes she said fucking.

Well today I am going to call the manager and get her fired for being such a rude bitch. I can't stand people like her that think they are better than I am just because they don't have an eye disease.

Well I had to go to Osco to get first aid tape because the niccotine patch was fallling off. There is a new fast food place named Del Taco that just went up in the same place where Osco is. So i decided why not. These people were extremely nice to me and it was Taco Tuesday when you could get 3 tacos for $1. What a blessing! Diana wanted 4 tacos so I ended up getting 9 tacos. All I spent was $3 can you believe it? So I got better service and I paid way less than if I had gone to Jack in the Crack.

I'm still getting that bitch fired though.

Bra Shopping

One of the hardest things for me to do is to go bra shopping. Well I had to do this recently. I spent over an hour and found 1, that's right 1 bra that fit correctly. WTF? Don't they think that larger breasted woman like finding bras that will actually fit them? I guess not fromt he experience i had. I actually started to cry a little.

It's sometimes daunting to me. I go into a store, find a bra that I love, try it on and it doesn't fit. It really blows.

Well at least I was able to find one that fit.

I have come to the realization that my mother resents my happiness. A few days ago I had to go to a government office and while I was there I broke down because of everything that has been going on in my life. The lady was really nice and ended up buying me lunch at Sonic. She even made sure I was seen that day. (I went without an appointment and was put on standby but she pulled some strings and got me seen.)

Well I let my mother pick me up. When I got in the car she took one look at the cup in my hands and started to yell. I thought you had no money what the hell are you doing spending it on fast food? Not even a hi how did it go. No I had something nice and she wanted to know why.

It really shouldn't have suprised me at all. She has done this many times in the past. Once at a movie theatre I got sick durring the movie so I went and got a soda. To this day she doesn't believe me that I got sick. All she cared about was the fact that I spent money on a soda at a movie theatre.

I think I'm going to take another nice long break from her.

I do have some good news. I have been talking to this guy for a while and he offered to buy me a plane ticket to come visit him. I am moving hell and earth so I can go. I NEED to get the hell out of Arizona or I will really need to go to the funny farm. I just don't know how much more I can take.

I think it's finally hit me. My mother isn't well and could probibly die. I'm angry with her for not telling me but I do understand her reasoning. She didn't want to tell me anything until they knew for sure what was going on. I'm also very sad and I feel so alone right now.

I haven't really felt much like writing recently. My life is pretty bad right now and I don't want my blog to be so negative. So I decided to take a break.

Well lately I've really been thinking about alot of things. I just found out my mother has tumors in her mouth and I'm scared. Yes we have our differences and we fight like cats and dogs but deep down I really do love her.

An online friend of mine has been going through some really hard times lately as well. She went through a major surgery and will find out if she has cancer. My soul keeps telling me to reach out to her. Tell her it's going to be ok. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I have asked God to guide my hands to give me the right words to give her his messages. I don't know why I am so pulled to do this.

Another friend has taken a page from my life and has started to blog openly like I do. He says it's all my fault because I have really opened up and let it all hang on the line here. I think it's a good thing to let it out. Otherwise it remains bottled up inside and you either die from eating that poison or you blow-up on the world. I have done both. Let me tell you my blog is one of the healthiest things I have done in my life. I don't even care if anyone reads it. Just knowing it's out of me if fine. :)

Just a little update about the crappy neighbor. Mother came by and started to take pictured of different violations arround the complex. Well this neighbor who has been giving me trouble and who is on the board saw what was going on and decided to call the president of the association and they are going to drop the fine again. I wouldn't fight it if I had done something to deserve it but I haven't done anything to anyone and I have been keeping my back padio as spotless as I can. They know it's harrassment and they know they are headed for a lawsuit so we'll see what happens there.

Well that's all for now except the poem I will be posting at the end of this. I think I am going to start blogging more often. I feel somehow as if the clouds are starting to part and I can see the first rays of the sun shining through. Who knows I'm on muscle relaxers for my bad back at the moment and I'm on a natural high from pulling off Project Birthday. Whatever it is I have had a really wonderful day.

Death Be Not Proud by John Doe

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell;
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

Sad time / Happy times

Well live has really been a rollercoaster for me lately. But I'm hanging in.

Sad Times

Late thursday night I was walking to the store. I was cuting across the Mc Donalds parking lot like I usually do. All of a suddon I look down and there is a puppy trotting next to me. I stoop down and called him over and he came right upto me. I looked for a tag but found none so I took him with me to the store.

When I got to the store I called several places to see if someone would take the dog because the last place I wanted him to end up was animal controll. Since it was so late no one picked up. So I took him home with me. Yes I know I'm a sucker. When I got home I made sure he ate and had pleanty of water to drink. I also put the girls away because Stormey doesn't like new dogs in the house.

He was such a wonderful dog. Extremely loving and cuddly. I would be typing at the computer and he would come over and rest his head on my knee. He was just happy that he was in a home. When I went to bed he hopped up on the couch with me and tried his best to cuddle with me but he was a heavy dog so I made him get down. He ended up falling asleep right next to me. He didn't want to leave my side. It was so heart warming.

The next day I called mom and she agreed to help me get to the humane society to drop off the dog. So off we went I was sad but I knew he would have a chance there.

When we got there I was informed that they no longer take in strays unless they are injured or sick. I tried my best to get them to take him because he is such a special dog. But they wouldn't. So I had only one option left and it was exactly where I didn't want him to end up.

As I was leaving I tried to get a family to take him but they wouldn't. They wanted a very little dog and he was a medum sized dog.

When I got to animal controll I again tried to get some of the people there to adopt him but no one was willing to. So I had to leave him there. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces right now. I just pray to god that someone sees that special dog I saw and snatches him right up. I know he would make an excellent family pet.

Happy Times

I know it's a little thing to most people. I'm guessing you really don't care too much but I had a little accomplishment. I was able to fix a problem on my computer and I didn't need any help from anyone. Sometimes the human brain amazes me. I mean I had absolutely no clue how to fix this problem but I read up on it and did the steps. I was very anxious because I didn't want to mess things up further. Well I tried it out and it works now. This was a happy moment for me.

Disturbing Thought

So today I looked through my keywords and came across verry little girl naked. I just don't understand why a grown person would find this attractive. I mean WTF are they thinking. What possess a grown person to look at that? It's just FUCKING SICK!

Aliens have landed and taken over my mother's body!

Well it's been interesting. I guess my mother misses me.

To start off. My mother owns my condo and I pay her rent. Well this past month Cocksucker, better known as blockbuster, decided to take a grand total of $200 in 4 easy payment from my bank account never bothering to tell me they were doing so. Well I couldn't even afford one of the payments so I also have $120 in nsf fees. For Joy!

So this past week I have been out of my mind wondering how I am going to come up with the rent money. The whole time I thought I was going to get bounced out on my ass. As I've said before my mother isn't always the most understanding person in the world. So yesterday I called her on the phone and asked if I could pay her part of the rent this month and then the remaining part next month. Without a beat she said of course. I can't begin to tell you how shocked I was. I thought I was going to have to talk her into it.

Then this morning I get a knock at my door. It's my mother bringing me food. She said she thought I could use the food since I was so low on money this month and she wanted to help me out. Again I am speachless. Well I thank her profucely (sp?) and she tells me that she really misses me and that even her 2 dogs miss me. So we set up that we are going to take our dogs to the dog park this week. Wish me luck that this isn't a ploy for something else.

Feed me I'm starving!

I happen to think Christina Ricci was a very beautiful young woman who was growing into her own in Hollyweird. Although I do agree with her breast reduction (God would I love one.) I think she looks like she should be on the advertisements for the starving kids in africa commercials. Someone needs to tell this woman that she looks extremely unhealthy and needs to put on a few pounds.

Submitted here are 2 pictures as proof of what I am saying.


Before


After

Ahhhhhhhhh when you feel at your worst some special person gives you a little piece of joy and makes you laugh. Thank you, you know who you are.

Great Balls Of Fire

"The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." ~ Oscar Wilde

Links Time

Something Hysterical
Something Strangely Cool
Something Sad
Something Fun

Warm Fuzzies

Ok it's been a while since I did 7 things I'm greatful for and I think it a good time to do it.

1. When "T" came over just to make sure I was going to be ok eventhough I told her not to come. She knew I needed her and she wasn't going to take no for an answer.

2. Mitzi is starting to calm down. I think she realizes that this is home and she isn't going anywhere.

3. I have really come to like the people in the #wwdn chatroom. Eventhough we have our differences at times no one seems to hold it against anyone. It's become a nice place to go and have fun talking to people.

4. It looks like the Dr.'s might be able to fix my eyes. They have really come through on some major advancements and it looks like I might be able to have 20/20 vision someday.

5. The other night I slept so good and hard that a couple of friends called me and I didn't even hear the phone ring.

6. This month I have a free month of DSL and have been d/l movies like crazy.

7. At the WWDN soapbox a few of the guys said they have a crush on me. :) I have never had anyone say that so it felt really good to hear.

New Strangest Keyword

Ok now I thought the adult changeing diaper pics keyword was weird but that pales in compairison to this new one.

horse poo diaper story slave - I kid you not people someone was actually looking for this.

This is the reason it came up:

... helps you when you change her diaper. ... the theme song for Winnie the Poo ... To make a long
story short my ... has songs like I'ma Slave ... in on the perverbial white horse ...

I tell you there are some strange people out there.

Great Googa Moo

Well I survived this week. Believe me it's been a task.

Mom came over to fix my toilet. She found out from someone else that it was broken. Well I was upstairs taking care of "D's" animals and watching cable. All of a sudden I hear screaming outside. I think it's one of my neighbors, they've been fighting alot. Well I was wrong.

You guessed it. Mom was screaming like a banchee, cursing and everything. She was pissed that I wouldn't open the door for her. Well I was upstairs and didn't hear her initial knocking. By the time I did hear her she was in her stark raving mad phase and there was no way in hell I was going to go downstairs. Not for all the tea in China. I do value my life and would like to stay alive.

People she yelled for almost an hour. Screaming things like open the fucking door then progressing to if you don't open this fucking door right now I am going to break in you windows and I will still get inside. You see this woman is a complete lunatic.I can't believe she thought I had nothing better to do than stay home.

Well I called "T" and she and her fience came over and stayed with me for a while. Thank God that mom wasn't there because "T" already hates her with a passion and she told me that if mom were there she was going to give her a piece of her mind. Believe me when "T" gets mad there is no stopping her and she was extremely pissed at mom.

Everyone I talked to told me that I should have called the police and had her arrested but I just couldn't. I refuse to sink to her level. "T" told me it wasn't sinking to her level because I had a viable reason to call the cops, unlike mom calling the nut house on me. I am still considering getting a restraining order on her. If she tries one more thing I am certain I will.

Well after all the mess I eventually called her house and thank God my stepfather answered the phone. We had a really decent conversation and he told me he would drop by the things I would need to fix the toilet. He also asked me to call at least everyother weekjust to let them know that I am ok and still alive.

One of the things that he brought up was the fact that mom told him that I said they were both controlling. Well I squashed that right away. I am realizing that my mother loves playing the victim in her everyday life and if she isn't the victim I don't think she feels she has a place in this world. I find that pretty sad myself. I know the past couple of months my weblog has had a pretty down feeling to it but that's not how I usually am.

As I stated in Major Ego Boost I am quick to laugh when I find something funny and I try my best to make life happy. I do my best to find the joy in everyday life. Somedays are harder than others to find the joy but I do the best I can.

Strange Keywords

Well I have been going over the stats for my website and have come across some strange keywords. The stranges one by far is adult diaper changing pics. I know there are some strange fetishes out there but I haven't talked about that.

So I looked up why it chose to display my site for that here's why it came up: ... She wants me to be an adult but she ... where she helps you when you change her diaper ... Well
I've been busy changing the layout ... figured out how to link urls to pics ...

I think it's strange but hey I'm getting traffic now. :) Even if it's from perverts.

Major Ego Boost

Well this weekend I went to see my god daughter and "T." Well while I was there some of "E's" frineds came over to get tatooed. One of them was really cute. I got "T" to the side and told her that he was cute. It wasn't the only thing I said but you don't need to know the rest.

Well "T" and I were our laughing selves most of the night. It was this thing about "E" in tights and a pink tu tu. Long story but it was an immage "T" came up with that we kept laughing about all night.

So "T" this guy and I went outside to get a smoke. While we were out there the guy looked at me kind of sheepishly and said you laugh alot. Then he said to me that's a good think. I went ahhhhhh that's so sweet. Well I was floating on cloud 9 for the rest of the night.

Sometimes you just need to hear something nice from a nice guy to make you feel just a little extra special.

Strange Observations

I am always amazed at the reactions I get when I tell people that I am legally blind. To the naked eye I appear as anyone else so it's not easy to tell this about me.

Reaction 1. The person is cool about it and doesn't treat me any different. This is my favorite reaction.

Reaction 2. The person starts to speak louder as if I have suddenly lost my hearing as well.

Reaction 3. The person starts to talk extremely slowly as if I have suddenly lost all of my brains and am now retarded. This reaction buggs me the most. I am an intelligent person and I expect to be treated as such.

Reaction 4. The person starts to baby me. This one also buggs me alot. I am an independant person and I don't like it when people feel the need to treat me as if I am an infant.

Reaction 5. The person doesn't believe me. I have only experienced this one once but it is the most comical of all the reactions. I actually had to have this guy confirm it with my mother.

I may be "disabled" but I am a human being and I expect to be treated no different than anyone else. Unfortunately there is still so much prejudice in this world that it verry rarely occures after I come out with my "secret."

I used to hide the fact that I didn't see that well. It always bothered me because I knew people would treat me differently and I was a very shy person growing up. Well one day I woke up and decided that I needed to just come out with it and deal with whatever reaction I got. Usually this results in me being a smart ass. Like when someone starts to talk louder I must assume they can't hear me and so I talk louder. This tends to piss people off and I get labeled a bitch.

If being labeled a bitch because I expect people to treat me like any other person then I guess I am a bitch.

Major F.U.B.A.R. & Changes

Ok first to the F.U.B.A.R. For some reason a bug got into the home page on ivillage and I had to dump the page. Now when I try to save new pages I keep getting an error msg that basically says I don't have anything written on the page. I am hoping that this is just a little bug that will be cleared up by tomorrow so I can put the homepage back up. I tell you it has not been my day. I messed with the homepage for quite a while and wasn't able to fix a bug. I know my coding was correct I went over the page several times and could find nothing wrong. Oh well. When the page is back up I will post something about it in here.

Changes

Well last night I finally opened an html editor that I had installed quite some time ago. I actually liked what I saw. It looks like it will take alot of time out of coding by hand.

A friend of mine brought up a very good suggestion and I am thinking of implementing (sp?) it. This plan requires slashcode so I might be moving the site yet agian in the next few months. Woo Hoo. If I do it will be to a perminant address. Wow if they could only see me now little miss webmistress. Ok get your mind out of the gutter not that kind of mistress.

I am starting to learn CSS. Let me tell you kiddies this isn't as easy as it sounds. Right now everythign looks Greek to me. I find it frustrating that I can't look at the tutorials and go ok that's how you do it and start writing the code. You see this is how I learn most things. It just comes easy to me. Except math but that's a whole different story. When I finally impliment it into my site I will definately write something about it here in my weblog because I know that I will be proud of myself. Then I plan on tackling PHP. That won't be for quite a while though. I want to be completely familiar with CSS first.

Bad Weblogger No Candy For You!

Ok so I know I have been neglecting my weblog. I have been watching my god daughter alot lately and they don't have a computer for me to get online and when I am home I have been either too busy or didn't feel like getting on the computer. I am however writing the promised strange observations blog soon. So check back. Hopefully I will have it posted tomorrow but you never know where life is going to lead you so it could be later.

Crappy Mothers

I know I promised this a couple of days ago but what can I say life happens and there isn't much you can do about that.

So I went grocery shopping the other day. I was on my way to the check out and saw what I thought was a person bending over looking at something when I passed by I saw a little girl that couldn't have been more than 4 or 5. Where was the mother you ask NO FUCKING WHERE! That little girl is lucky it was me that passed by her and not someone else.

I went up to her and asked her where her mother was and she said she went to look for her grandmother and told her to stay there and wait for her. WTF? Well I was standing across from her and told her that I was going to stand there until her mother came back because not everyone is nice and I didn't want her to get hurt.

About 5 min later the mother showed up.I told her that I was waiting there for her because she left her daughter alone. Her response was I was only in the next isle over. This is utter bullshit I checked the aisles on both sides and didn't see anyone.

I tell you if parents actually TOOK CARE OF THEIR KIDS this world wouldn't be in the state it's in.

I HATE MURPHY'S LAW

Ok so I had planned on doing some blogging yesterday but when I woke up I discovered the phone was completely dead. My reaction was WTF is going on. I paid my bill. So I called the phone company and they said well we didn't disconnect your phone and we have no idea what's wrong. We can dispatch someone to come out and check the problem. If it's an outside problem you won't be charged any money but if we don't find any problems we are going to charge you $90 for coming out there. All because I don't have the wire and maintainence plan.

I explained that there was no way that I could afford $90 at this moment in time and the guy said he would run some tests to see what was going on.

Well needless to say this didn't make me happy. I think it's complete highway robery. Either you pay through the nose on a month to month basis or you get screwed out of $90 is something goes wrong. I feel this should be included in our regular monthly payment but the phone company would rather screw me on a daily basis.

It's like when I call in my payments. They always make it a point to get me to add features to my phone. Sorry I don't want all the extras. I can remember a time when it was a massive luxury just to have your number unlisted. The normal person didn't have 5 million different extra things they could charged for.

I miss and long for the days when a customer was valued and not looked at as JUST a cash cow. I can remember a time when I went into stores and was given a smile and asked very nicely if I could be helped. If I didn't want any help they would leave and I could browse in peace.

These days you are lucky if you can find someone to help you. If you do manage to find someone they will either stick to you like glue trying their hardest to sell you everything under Gods green earth or they are so rude acting as if they are better than you and that you are just this massive waste of their time.

Well anyway I had just had it when the phone died. I have literly stopped asking what else can happen cuz I know something will. So I called "T" and asked her if she could pick me up and if we could talk. She said I'll be right over after dinner.

What started out as a really crappy day ended up being a really nice day. When I walked in my god daughter got the biggest grin on her face and she started to reach over for me to pick her up. We watched The13th ghost. (Very disgusting movie), T and I had a really good talk. Both of us are going through a massively hard time and I think we really needed eachother. We ended up laughing so hard I think her neighbors hated up last night. lol

So Today I am woken up to a knock at the door. Thinking it was mom I didn't bother getting out of bed. I reached over and checked the phone and it was still dead. Then a few min later the phone rang. I was like WOO HOO! The phone is actually working. I answered it and it was the phone repair guy. He said that the line was working fine now. Someone had pulled the wires from my connection. I'm thinking one of the kids arround here was messing with it but that's a blog for another day.

Now I'm thinking I told them not to come out here but they did anyway. I was VERY clear with them on the phone. Granted I am really happy that they did and they were able to fix the phone but if they hadn't found the problem on the outside would they have charged me the $90?

Oh well it's working now and that's what counts.

Updates

This is just to let you know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I am working on a blog called strange observations, Crpaay Mothers (Thank god this one doesn't involve mine lol), and I have a couple of new links for you guys.

Holy ISP Batman

I am completely amazed right now. My isp is actually taking almost full advantage of my 56K modem. This has never happened before. Usually I can only get a connection of 21000bps. I feel like the internet is flying by today. Well looks like today is going to be good. See I'm taking this as a sign since it's never happened before. Well oh happy day for me. :)

7 Things I'm Greatful For

I thought I would do 7 things I'm greatful for since I've been down. So here goes.

1. I have a wonderful friend in "T". She is the only person that can make me laugh so hard my sides ache for hours no matter how I felt when the conversation started.

2. The other day when I went to watch my god daughter she had the biggest smile on her face when she saw me. This made my heart grow 20 times it's size.

3. Mitzi has gotten into the habbit of falling asleep in my chair with me when I am watching tv. I just love it when she cuddles.

4. Eventhough my life is really crazy right now it could get so much worse. At least I have a roof over my head, food in my stomache, electricity and running water. Many people don't have these things in their life.

5. Being able to write down in my blog what I am feeling is such a release for me. At times it gives me a new perspective once I have written things down.

6. The people at the soapbox on WWDN. They are such a caring community that it has become such a wonderful respit from the everyday world.

7. I found this picture and it made me laugh for 10 minutes straight.

The Love of Friends

Everything that has been going on the past few months has finally hit me. Today I have been quite depressed and I didn't have any idea why until I actually sat down and thought about it. I came to the conclusion that it's because I have finally realized that I don't have parents and I feel so alone. I actually started to mourn this today.

Then I started on a pitty party. I really don't have a man in my life. Granted I love not having to answer to anyone but myself and my dogs but sometimes it would be wonderful to be able to lean on a guy and know that he truely loves me with all my imperfections. It would be nice to go to sleep at night and roll over and feel another person sleeping beside me. These are the things I feel I am missing out on right now and to a degree it hurts. I feel that there is an empty place in my heart that won't be filled until I find that special guy. This is not to say that I need a man to make me happy because happiness starts from within and no one else can truely make you happy until you find peace within yourself.

So as I said I've been pretty down today. So I called "T" today. I tell you I love her more and more each day. Yes she has her imperfections and she can piss me off at times but her heart is made of pure gold. I told her how I have been feeling today and she tried to make it better. She told me that I will always have her and my god daughter and even her husband. I truely needed to hear this today because I feel so alone right now. Heck she even got me to *snork I was laughing so hard.

I'm tending to feel as if it's me against the world and being as how I am only one person I sometimes feel as if I am fighting a loosing battle. Sometimes it feels as if no matter how much I struggle I can't seem to get my head ubove water. If it weren't for her I don't think I would have a fighting chance. She has been there for me when no one else would. When my mother ran away from home I called her and she was at my doorstep within 10 minutes. She stayed until she was sure I was going to be ok.

She also tells me like it is. I love that about her. If I'm acting like an ass and I need to snap out of it she will say so in a way that makes me feel better not worse. It takes talent and a massive heart to be able to accomplish something like that.

My heart broke when she moved away to Iowa a few years ago. She was gone for a year and I missed her everyday she was gone. I now thank God everyday for bringing her back here.

Psycho Mom Strikes Again

So on Monday I was so inundated with calls from mom that I finally turned the ringer off on my phone. No I didn't answer it because everyday I get a little bit angrier at her for all the things she has done to me over the years. Especially the fact that she always end up smelling like a rose when she is finished.

Then on Tuesday she again called so I turned the ringer off yet again. So she showed up at my doorstep. She gave me a couple of things and then proceeded to whale into me. She brought up the fact that I had told her everything she is doing right now is because she wants controll over me. Then she proceeded to tell me ok you want controll then you are in controll of you life now. She said that she never wanted to talk to me, see me, or even know I existed. Then as she was leaving she said I will talk to you later.

WTF? This woman has no idea what she wants. One minute she is telling me how much she loves me and in the next breath she tells me that she wants nothing to do with me. Then she says she will call me. I just don't get it. See this is the reason that I really feel she needs to see someone and get on drugs for manic depression.

Ever since she first told me that she didn't want to talk to me I haven't called her once and she has called repeatedly. I just don't get where she is coming from. If you don't want to talk to someone then don't talk to them. Don't call, write. or visit them. I truely feel that she wants the little girl I was at age 3 forever. Well I have news for her I have grown up and I am not the type of person to play mind games. I know she is an expert at it but give me a break. Either treat me like an adult or treat me like a child you can't have it both ways.

She wants me to be an adult but she puts every effort to treat me as a child every chance she gets. This is driving me nuts. I am almost looking forward to getting committed. I know if it happens then I won't have to deal with her for at least 3 days. Three blistful days of no mom. What a treat that would be. I know it would be easy to fail the test. All I have to tell them is that I either want to hurt her or myself. Now I truely don't want to do either but that's all it would I would have to say and then I would have a guarenteed 3 day vacation from her. I wouldn't have to worry about anything or anyone. I could just concentrate on myself for a change. But this is the real world and I have responsibilities and I just can't do that.

Well this is getting really long so I'm going to end it now but will probibly add to it either later today or most likely tomorrow. As always I hope everyone else is doing ok and they are happy.

*snork = Laughing so hard that you make kind of a snoring sound eventhough you are wide awake.

The Return of Psycho Mom

Well from what I hear she is back in town. I tell you I feel somewhat scared at what she is going to do next.



This last week was pure heaven. I didn't have to worry that when the phone rang it was going to be her or when there was a knock at my door I didn't have to worry that it was her. It was so freeing that I got alot done and now all I want to do is sleep and pretend that she doesn't exist and it's all just a really bad dream but this is the real world and I can't do that.



She has shown me recently that she can't be trusted at all. I don't know what her next move is going to be but I have decided not to play her games anymore. She has her husband for that although I don't know how much longer he is going to put up with her shit. He is realizing who she really is and it isn't the person he thought he was going to marry. Let me tell you she puts on a good show. She has everyone snowballed.



She has all her friends and our family believing that she is completely sane and that I am completely nuts. I just wish that I had a decent mother who would love me and not play games with my life. She has this ability to twist me into knots. She can make me feel such pain I didn't even know could exist.



I just wonder why she does this. I know she has a disease but give me a break. You can only use excuses for so long. She could have gotten help for herself a long time ago but she refuses to see what is right in frount of her face. She refuses to realize that she is sick and needs help. If she doesn't get it she is going to loose me forever.



In alot of ways I feel like an orphan. My father left me a long time ago and now my mother is pushing me away. I feel so alone in this world. As if no one cares about me. I know my friends do but it isn't the same kind of love that a parent can give.

Website Update

I was very busy last night I finished 6 pages of links for my site. You can access them by going to my website and looking through the navigation bar.

The new pages are:
3 Fun Quiz Links Pages
1 Webmaster's Tools Links Page
1 Usefull Links Page
1 Animation & Comic Links Page

I really hope everyone likes the what I have done so far. I know it's a very simple design right now but I am still learning.

It's Links Time

As my readers know I have had quite a month so I haven't had any time to do the links that I said I was going to. Well since I have a bit of time today I thought I would post some of the links that have been clogging up my favorites list lately. I hope you enjoy them.

Britney Spears?
It's amazing how many people can't spell her name.



Miserable Melodies
Crapy music done by celebs.



Top Sekrit: Lord of the Rings Diarys



Stop Noise
A man's cruisade to make the world a quiter place.



Ecological Footprint Quiz
Find out how much of a mark you will leave on this planet.



Electric Chicken Presents the Apple iToilet



Steal Your Face
Take a pic of your friend or enemy and place on the body of a porn star.



Mister Pants Dances With Ants
You just gotta see this site to believe it.



The Nerd Gym



Tekheads Forums
Ever wonder hwo to cook an egg using your computer as the heat source. Well then this page is for you.



In the 90's
90's slang terms



In the 80's
80's slang terms

My Heart

So last night I was sleeping when the phone woke me up. At first I didn't answer it because I was sleeping lol. Then I couldn't get back to sleep so I turned on the boob tube for a bit and the phone rang again. this time I picked it up. It was my friend with the baby. (My god daughter) She said that she wanted me to come over and babysit for her. She had to go to work with her husband and they don't trust many people with her. So I said ok give me about 45 min to wake up and put some clothes on.

Well when I got there I went over to the baby. She was soooooooooooo happy to see me. I didn't think babies at 7months could recognise people but she sure recognised me lol. I am so smitten with that little girl lol.

Well we had such a wonderful night. We played some games and watched movies. That little girl is such a crack up. Everyday she is coming up with new ways to crack up her mother, father and I.

She has this fake cry. She will cry for approx. 10 sec and then stop and listen. Then she will do this until someone comes to check on her. This cracks me up so bad.

She also has this new trick where she helps you when you change her diaper. She lifts her butt up in the air with her feet. It's quite a site to behold. She also LOVES being changed. Her mother and i joke that she is going to become a nudist when she grows up.

I found out that the toy I gave her mother for the baby shower is her favorite. This made me SO happy. It's this plastic chew toy with Winnie the Poo on it and it plays the theme song for Winnie the Poo. She will take it and whack it just to hear the song. She also loves to throw it and then have you pick it up for her. She gets this big ol' shit eating grin on her face lol.

I am so glad that she was brought into my life. She has become such a big part of my heart.

Miss did you forget you hearing aid today?

Ok so on Wednesday night I went to the grocery store to get some groceries. I went to the meat coolers and found a sign that said half picnic 99 cents. So not knowing what half picnic is I went and took the meat on both sides of the sign and went up to the regester to ask which one was the half picnic.

It took them half an hour to find out that neither one was the half picnic and that they were out. Well the butchers had left for the night by then so they couldn't get it for me. By the way this is a manager that I am talking to at this point.

So I ask her do you have any other meat on sale for 99 cents. She tells me that the butchers have left for the night and that I she couldn't get me the half picnic. So I tell her. No I am asking if you have any OTHER meat for 99 cents. She repeats the previous statement. Well we go round and round for about 10 min like this. Finally I get so frustrated that I left the store and went to Taco Bell and got dinner there.

What I would like to know is. Is everyone who works for grocery stores completely deaf and just doesn't bother to wear their hearing aids or do they just don't give a crap about their job and love making their customer's lives miserable. I have a feeling that they just like to make our lives miserable but that's just me.

Website Update #2

Well it didn't take me quite as long as I thought it would to finish my homepage. I have linked it here in my blog. Please replace your bookmarks. I won't be updating the geocities site.

The next section I'm going to work on is going to be the links section. I probibly won't start it today seeing as how I haven't slept yet lol. I am planning to start it either tomorrow or on friday.

Well I hope you like what I have done.

Website Update

I am getting ready to move my site to ivillage. I have started to code the first page and it should be done by this weekend. Time permitting. Right now I'm working on the homepage. I have added a realy neat menu that will end up on all the pages. I am really excited about this. I have decided to get rid of the artwork page. I know alot of people like it but it takes up alot of space and I am going to be doing other things that I think everyone will like. I won't be moving my weblog. At least not for quite a while.


I was going to get my own url but I have decided to wait a little bit longer. I really don't have enough visitors to warrnent the cost as of yet. I will keep the amazon.com links because I am going to eventually get my own url and get a new server.


I have also gotten a php soapbox and plan on installing it once I get my own url and get on a server that supports it.


Well that's it for right now.


Oh and in case you are wondering I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo loving my time away from my mother. This week has been pure heaven. :)

Ahhhhhhh How Cute

Ok so I'm looking at another weblog and I found this picture on it. Wil Wheaton looks so cute and young in it lol.

Layout Changes

Well I've been busy changing the layout for home page. I also changed the colors here again because someone told me the colors were hurting his eyes. So I changed them. I hope you guys like what I have done.

Updates

Ok I just noticed that the comments section of my blog had disapeared. I also noticed that a couple of the section titles went back to the default. So I changed everything back to normal.

I also added a new button to the WWDN Vegas party. So if you are thinking of going to the Vegas party check out that page for all the information you need.

Sorry about the double post of the free stuff. I guess Blogger went a little wonky.

Free Stuff

Yep that's right I found some sites that are giving out free samples.



PAV the miracle salve


Dove Body Refreshers


Votive Candle


Us Flag Decal


Physique Sample


Head & Shoulders


Reeses Fastbreak


Olay Total Effects

Free Stuff

Yep that's right I found some sites that are giving out free samples.

PAV the miracle salve


Dove Body Refreshers


Votive Candle


Us Flag Decal


Physique Sample


Head & Shoulders


Reeses Fastbreak


Olay Total Effects

I'm Proud As A Peacock

As you can see over the the left I have made some more changes. I am having so much fun learning html right now. I am so proud of myself in the past few days I have managed to study the coding on my template and figured out how to make new sections so now everything has it's own section. I have also figured out how to link urls to pics and how to post pics on my blog. Yea me! :D Beleive it or not I didn't know how to do any of those things before a few days ago.

I would like to say a big thank you go Gesikah. She was so sweet I wanted to have a button for my home page and she made not only one for my home page but one for my blog as well. Both of the buttons are in the link to me section. So please visit her site Life With A Geek.

Realizatoins

So the other day I'm talking to one of my best friends (Let's call her A) and she is trying to make me realize what my mother is up to. Well I knew that my mother want's controll and she is evidently willing to do anything to gain it over me. Well A brings up the fact that she feels my mother thinks I am completely neive and ignorant. I really didn't completely believe this until I got a call from mom on Thursday.

She called and told me that my aunt had a stroke and asked me to pray for her. We talked about this for about 10 min and then she did it. She snuck in how she did everything because she loves me. I laughed at her. well to make a long story short it escalated to where she is now threatening to kick me out. How sweet she is. I mean when I moved in here she said this is YOUR house. Then she takes all these power trips and whenever things aren't going her way she says she is going to kick me out. I tell you if I had the money I would move out tomorrow and most likely leave the state and not let her know where I am. I am that livid with what she's done. I mean it's a total betrayal on her part.

To make a long story short my mother is now threatening to throw me out of the condo. She is starting to realize that I'm through playing her manipulative games and she is trying to do everything to make me come running back to her. Well it isn't going to happen.

She wasn't always this way. When I was very young she was actually a good mother. She might not have been the best but I don't have too many complaints. I can remember her coming into my room in the morning and singing You Are My Sunshine everyday til I was 13. She would also tuck me into bed til I was about 10 and told her to stop.

Then the perverbial shit hit the fan. My father left. He did this the day before easter when I was 13 and it was a complete shock to both my mother and myself. They had gotten into a fight and my mother grabed me and we went to spend the night at one of her friends house. When we came back he was gone. Well he never looked back after that day but we aren't here to talk about him today.

Well my mother went into complete melt down after that. I'm talking she became the child and I became the adult. I made sure she woke up in the morning. I made sure we both had our meals. Basically I took on the mother roll. This went on for over a 1 1/2 years.

Then mom snapped out of her funk and realized that I had taken the mother roll and she wanted to snatch it back. Well I wasn't going to have any of that and we started to butt heads. It still hasn't stopped. I wish my mother and I could come to a point where we could be at least civil to eachother but it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon. It breaks my heart but that's life.

Does a little happy dance

Ok so proud of myself. I know it might be a little step for most but it's a big step for me.

I finally figured out how show graphics on a website. See I have been with geocrappies for so long that I never needed to learn how to make a pic show up on a website. Well on blogger it isn't as easy. You actually have to have some knowledge of html in order to do some cool things to your blog. I do have some knowledge of html but it's still somewhat limited I can code very simple sites but not do anything fancy yet.

What makes me the most proud is that I am self tought. I haven't gone to school for site design. Yes I have had a little help from my different net friends but the bulk I learned on my own and in times like I am having it really makes me happy that I am intelligent enough to figure things out for myself.

The proof of my new found talent is the blog stickers. :D They're linked and everything. :D

Well mom called last night so you guys are going to get quite a blog soon. I tell I need to leave the state and not let her know where I'm going.

Those Dumb Quizes

Well I decided that I'm not going to be putting so many tests on my blog. I don't like the fact that it takes so long to load everything so if you would like to see the quizes I have done and would like to do some yourself go HERE.

What's Your Style? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which Action Star Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

which children's storybook character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

Time Waster

OMG I found another blogger who likes those stupid test as much as I do. :P So I went through and did a bunch of them. Hope you like them.




Find out which Moulin Rouge song you are.

Now that tax time is over and hopefully you have them already filed I will post this link about funny schemes and supposed loopholes that I found on fark.

Tax Loopholes and Schemes

The "F" word on rv?

Ok so I'm watching Rosie today and she shows a clip of Ethan Hawke in Training Day. Not a big deal right? Well someone dropped the ball and forgot to bleep out the word fuck. At first I thought what's going on? Did I just hear what I think I heard? Yes sir I did. Rosie and Ethan made jokes about it. I just about died laughing when I realized what had happened. Especialy seeing as how it isn't live on the west cost. I mean they could have bleeped it out but they didn't.

Ahhhhhhh a much needed laugh. :D

Another Useless Test

Ok I nicked this one from Kerr's blog.

Update

Something Scary
Somethign Funny


Well what started out as one of the worst days of my life actually ended up pretty nicely. My 2 bestfriends kept calling me all day making sure that I was doing ok. I went and rented 3 movies: Pay it Forward, Rush Hour2, and Don't Say a Word. I soooooooooooooo needed an excape from my day. My 2 dogs wouldn't leave my side all day. They knew something was wrong and they made sure that I knew I was loved.


I'm going to discuss the movies I have seen. I am also going to have major spoilers for Pay it Forward. Just so you are warned.


I absolutely loved Don't say a word. It's one of the best suspense movies I have ever seen. If you get the chance to see it grab it.

Now onto Pay it Forward. I really wanted to see a happy movie so I decided on Pay it Forward. I had heard it was a good movie and had a very good message. The first 3/4 of this movie were actually very good. It explained how the kid came up with the concept of Pay it Forward. It showed how one person can make such a difference in their life it was inspiring. My gripe is with the last 1/4.


I am about half way through Rush Hour 2. I fell asleep half way through it last night. From what I have seen it's really good. It harkens back to the old days of Jackie Chan. The texture is even reminicent of his older movies. So far I love it. After I am finished I'll let you know if I still liked it.


Major Spoiler about Pay it Forward. I'm going to put lines of ~ so if you don't want to read it you won't have to.
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Ok so after this little boy starts this wonderful idea he comes to realize that he needs to help one of his friends because he is being bullied on a daily basis. So one day he goes and gets in the middle of it and gets stabbed. Then we are shown the mother and the teacher in the emergency room. The Dr. comes out talks to them and then the mother collapses. Yep that's right they killed the little boy. WTF?? I wanted my happy ending. I have had a shitty day and I wanted my faith in this world restored. Well in a way this movie helped but I was so disheartened by what happened. Why would they kill off such a good souled charachter as Trever. I know it's the whole addige that when you are finished doing what you need to do on earth then your time is up and you go back home to heaven but this is a movie. It's supposed to have a happy ending.

Another Useless Test

which "monty python and the holy grail" character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

Website Links

I plan on highlighting some link at least once a week on my blog. It will just be different things I find arround the web but don't necessarely want to put in the links section of my website. Well I hope you like this new thing I'm doing.



A guy turns his Game Boy Advance into a rudimentary web server.



Wanna buy Laura Croft's Outfit? Click Here. It's for a very good cause.



J Lo did you forget something? This link is not suitable for work.



Nobscan Scan you uh hem and send it here to share with the world. Definately not suitable for work.



Some freak is building her house to resemble the Adams Family Mansion.

Ordained Minister?

Yep that's right kiddies. In about 72 hours yours truely is going to be an ordained minister. I kid you not. While surfing the WWDN I came across a post about becoming an ordained minister at no cost to me. So I thought why the heck not. Supposidly in less than 72 hours I will become an ordained minister. This is such a hoot. I think it's hysterical that me someone who hates releigon is going to be an ordained minister.

Dealing with a manic depresive mother

I sware my mother is manic depressive. She has the worst mood swings I have ever seen. One day she can be the most loving person on the face of the earth the next day she is screaming that she is going to kill me, literally.

An example: One day we were going to get a perscription for me because I was very sick. She had asked me to look up the address but I thought I knew where the Osco was. Well I was wrong. She started yelling how she was going to crash the car and kill us both and get it over with. She said life wasn't worth it and that we would both be better off dead. Well I finally spotted the Osco and she dropped me off to get my perscription. When I came out and got back into the car she had a smile on her face and everything that had just happened seemed to have disapeared from her mind.

Well last weekend on Sunday she asked me to call my Dr. so I could get a stronger perscription because I wasn't getting any better. She said to call her when it was ready and she would pick it and bring it over to my house for me since I was sick. So on Monday I called them and had them call in a new perscription. When they called and told me it was ready to be picked up I called her. Well her husband answered so I explained that my perscription was ready to be picked up and then said good bye and hung up. About 5 mon later she called me back saying she was never going to talk to me and that if I wanted the perscription I was going to have to get it myself. Well I don't druve and Osco is a mile from my house. I don't know about anyone else but when I am sick the last thing I want to be doing is going on a 2 mile walk (this is there and back) I would rather be in bed resting. Well she also told me she hoped that I was going to have a good life cuz she was through with me. Now this was completely unprovoked. I still have no idea what happened between Sunday and Monday to get this reaction.

Well this morning at about 7:30am I get a phone call from her asking if I wanted to go to a tea party with her. I think to myself WTF? A few days ago she didn't want anything to do with me now she wnats me to go to some stupid tea party? I made up some excuse as to why I couldn't go to the stupid tea party. The last thing I want to be doing this weekend is spending time with my mother. She really pissed me off and hurt me. When she fights with her husband she always takes it out on me and I am just not going to play her games from now on. I have decided that the next time she calls I am going to tell her "mother I am going to respect your request. Good bye have a nice life." I know this is going to piss her off and I will probibly get kicked out of my condo. (She and her husband technically own it. But I pay the mortgage and assoc. fees.) I am just so tired of her mood swings.

I told her a few weeks ago that I thought she is Bi-Polar and she brushed it off saying "Oh hunney I'm not bi-polar. I just get depressed sometimes." I then reminded her of the times she has spazed out. She really didn't have anything to say about it. Although I dont think she is getting any help for it. I thing she could be such a good person then she pulls one of her stunts. I wish I had a normal mother that didn't go off if she doesn't get what she wants.

Oh she is also pissed that I am not what she expected. I think my mother thought having a baby is like having a doll. You can dress it up and play with it and decide how it should live their lives. Well people don't work that way. Everyone is their own person and everyone makes their own mistakes. Believe me I have made my share of mistakes but hey I've learned from them and I am a better person for learning these lessons. I wish she would just let me live my life. I am 28. That is considered an adult. I'm going to be 30 in an year and a half for gods sake and she still treats me as if I am 2.

Maybe I post some of the other choice things my mother has done to me over the years. It's amazing to me that I'm not completely mad from the things she and my father have thrown at me. What really gets me is that there are people who have it much worse than I do. I have no idea how these people survive without wanting to off themselves. Well you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family.